Living with your children's choices
I once overheard a father lamenting some of his college-age son’s decisions. “He’s made us so proud in so many ways, and then he goes and does something really stupid.”
Many parents today have said similar things, and not just those who failed to impress Christian values upon their children. Even the godliest of mothers and fathers have wept in disappointment over bad choices their not-so-little kids have made.
However, as the adults in the family, our reaction may be more important than our child’s poor decision. Our response to their sin will determine whether relationships are broken in condemnation or restored through unconditional love.
When my kids blow it, my natural impulses range from anger and disappointment to personal regret for not being a better parent. None of these reactions are appropriate long-term attitudes.
My pastor once asked if I thought God was a good example of the perfect parent. “Yes, of course,” I answered.
“Well then,” he replied, “what went wrong with Adam and Eve?”
Good question.
Our sons and daughters are blessed with the same gift God gave his first two kids: free will. It gets them into trouble just like it did Adam and Eve, and just like it does us.
If we follow God’s example of perfect parenting, we’ll notice that He didn’t blame Himself for their choices. But neither did He say, “How could you do this to Me?”
God told Adam and Eve there would be consequences, and there were. But there was grace as well.
Browbeating our children or ourselves is not part of His plan. Natural consequences follow every choice, including a bad one. When you pound a nail into a board, it leaves a hole even after you pull out the nail. Hopefully, personal remorse accompanies those consequences, for the Bible tells us that godly sorrow leads to repentance. But constant reminders and a critical attitude on our part help no one. Doesn’t God also say that there is “no condemnation for those who are in Christ”?
When Jesus told the story of the prodigal son, He never spoke against the father’s parenting skills. He did not rattle off a list of “should have’s” or “if only’s.” But He did say that dad never gave up on his wayward son. The father watched day after day for his boy, and when the young man finally came home, dad was waiting with open arms.
The realization of our children’s free will is not a license to let them go wild. It does not let us off the hook to walk away shrugging our shoulders, mumbling something about not being able to control them. But it can help us survive some of their choices.
Of course we don’t want them to walk outside the love and laws of the Lord; of course we want them to avoid the pitfalls of temptation and walk in the protection of self-control. But we are not the miracle worker, God is. The Holy Spirit draws a person to Christ, regardless of that person’s home life. That is why we must bloody our knees in prayer for our beloved children – all of their lives.
Do we believe in forgiveness enough to extend it to our children when they choose a way that isn’t ours?
Begin the New Year by giving your kids – and yourself – a fresh start with forgiveness. God does every day.
“…forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:13, 14).©Davalynn Spencer
